No Margin, No Mission: Balancing Career, Community and Caring
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10 years ago my husband Innes went to the doctor’s office for a sinus infection. He came out with a diagnosis of four brain tumors.
We had just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary, and before I go any further, here’s a spoiler: we are now excited about planning our 25th. But at the time, that curve ball set our world on its end, and we were overtaken fast by the undertow and into the terrifying, murky waters of neurology, oncology and radiology. We were in a prolonged state of shock and found ourselves where so many families find themselves – trying to still maintain some semblance of normal life for our young children, doing what needed to be done at work, and staying positive to the degree possible for each others’ sake, and for the sake of sanity.
Thankfully, we found out within a few weeks that his tumors were benign, which even though they weren’t cancerous is still a relative term. Because no tumor is entirely harmless depending of course on how fast it grows or where it is in the brain or body. We weighed the options, and he opted for surgery, followed by cyberknife radiation.
Innes dealt with unbelievable uncertainly, fear, and risk. And through it all he was as strong, measured, vulnerable, thoughtful and brave as any human I have ever known. He has never been a victim. He has always faced the situation head on, knowing that science and family were his best allies. To this day, as “normal” as things seem now, I just can’t believe how much he endured, and has since, because his resolve and commitment never seemed to waver, at least not on the outside. I wish I could say the same for me.
My experience as spouse and caregiver, like so many, was one of wanting more than anything to be strong and consistent and unyielding in my support. And again, on the outside, boy did I try. But keeping up with full time work, his recovery, and two young kids at home left no time for me to do much else but eat, sleep, and drink. My life as a working-mother-not-for-profit-CEO-community-volunteer-daughter-sister-friend was already painted to the very edge of the canvas. And when this unexpected disruption happened, it didn’t take long for me to realize that there was no margin for error. No margin for course correction. And as many not-for-profit professionals know, when there’s no margin, there’s often no mission. Long story short, I hit the wall. Gained 25 pounds. Ended up with pre-diabetes, a fatty liver, and absolutely no energy for anything other than the bare minimum of what my life required of me. At the time, I resisted paying attention to any of that, because it all seemed so insignificant compared to what he had been through.
It was around this time when a kind and caring mentor sat me down and lovingly told me that if I didn’t get my own shit together I wasn’t going to be any good to anybody else. It was the first time I had heard things like “you can’t pour from an empty cup,” or “put your own oxygen mask on first.” I started learning about self-care, as opposed to self-indulgence. And I’m grateful to this day for that not-so-gentle wake up call.
That’s when I began to embark on a new mission: creating the margin in my life that I needed so that I wasn’t painting all the way to the edge. Giving my life the frame that it needed so I could be more resilient in times of unexpected change, and still be able to deliver on the things that make my life so fulfilling: community work, career, and caring for those I care about the most, including myself. I’ve spent the better part of the last decade studying, experimenting with and hearing from others about how to “balance” these things. How to keep the plates spinning without the risk of them all crashing to the ground at any given moment.
Here’s what happened: as my (and his) health improved, my community work became more meaningful, my career progressed in more fulfilling ways, and my family continued to thrive, more and more people began to ask me “how do you do it?” “How can you be a successful executive, community volunteer, and working mother?” It’s a question I have heard more times than I can count, and one often asked by young professionals just starting out. Thus was born the 3C’s workshop.
As Oprah says, here’s one thing I “know for sure:” I don’t have all the answers. But over the years I’ve learned the right questions to ask, the right experiments to conduct, the right partnerships to create. I’ve come to believe that balance is a process, not a state to be maintained and achieved for all time. Life’s unexpected changes can come far too suddenly, as 2020 has certainly taught us all so far. So how do we prepare? How can we create the margin we need so we are more resilient and don’t burn out as we go?
The 3C’s workshop is a sampling of simple tools, expert resources, and rich discussion among like-minded people of all ages, professions, experience levels and genders. We spend time on each topic: career, community and caring for ourselves and others – but most importantly, we talk about the delicate act of negotiating when to emphasize which, and how to let go of the idea of “having it all,” or at least having it all at once. I learn something new every time I host it (I say host, not teach, because there’s so much wisdom in the room) – at first it was in person, for now on Zoom. I give the proceeds back to not-for-profits that I care about as part of my personal philanthropy. To give them a tiny bit more margin, so they can pursue their missions too.
If any of this appeals to you, I hope you’ll join us in the future. Next workshop is October 2 - and it benefits the Austin Chapter of the Association of Fundraising Professionals - a fundraiser for the fundraisers. Click here to learn more. And in the meantime, please take care of yourself. You never know when you’re going to need it most.