Recipe for Vulnerability — Heather McKissick

When I was in my early 20s, I received a valuable piece of advice from an old-school-yet-well-meaning employer.

After we passed through a particularly distracting office baby shower for one of the administrative assistants, where there were plenty of home-cooked treats on display, he looked at me very sternly and said, “Never bring baked goods to the office.”

He never fully explained, but he didn’t have to. I knew he meant that if I typecast myself as a woman who baked, it would reinforce a stereotype that could get in the way of my career aspirations. Simply said: I could never be an executive if others thought of me as too domestic. Like I said, he was old school but it was during a time when female executives, especially in financial services, were few and far between. It was advice I took to heart. But was it good advice?

Maybe I took it too far. In the early days, I worked hard to separate my work and personal life. I didn’t talk about personal things, didn’t socialize outside of work with colleagues. I kept everything strictly professional, and gained plenty of respect for my hard work and good results. My career progressed, and it seemed to be working.

It wasn’t until several years later, when I was in a management capacity and started receiving intentional development feedback, that - in addition to praise for my leadership - I started reading comments like “too polished,” “intimidating,” and the one I remember most: “she’s so diplomatic I always wonder what she’s not telling me.”

This feedback was hard to read, but if I was to follow good leadership advice, I was supposed to accept it like a gift and ask myself whether it could be true, and what would I gain if I accepted and learned from it. After discernment, it dawned on me, metaphorically, that I’d better start baking.

I didn’t realize that by holding such a firm boundary on my personal life, I had been making myself seem less approachable to people reporting to me, or those reporting to them. So many women my age - among others - have walked this fine line, at peril of stereotyping ourselves no matter which way the pendulum swings: be brandished as “Office Mom” or scorned as “Boss Bitch.” What’s worse, because I wasn’t in the habit of sharing my personal details - I wasn’t in the habit of asking other people theirs. It’s not that I don’t care about people’s personal lives, I was just schooled not to ask.

I’m still on the journey and doing my best daily to learn from the feedback. The truth is I’m not hiding anything at all, I’m just not used to showing that side of myself. So I’m learning how to be more disclosive, and it feels clunky sometimes. I have to remind myself to share personal stories, that it’s OK to ‘friend’ work people on social media, that showing more of my full self means I’ll see more of theirs, and that’s something I would truly value.

I guess this is another good excuse I can use for the fact that I’m actually pretty bad at baking. If I don’t follow a recipe to a T it’s virtually guaranteed to flop. But I thought while I’m working at home here for a little while I’d try and perfect my banana bread. And maybe when we’re all back to work, I’ll bring some into the office.

Have any of you felt this way? What do you do to help dissolve the walls between you?